**Please enjoy this picture of Jason Momoa hovering angelically over heart shapped bacon:
** You're welcome.**
But in real life if I had a "friend" that was slowly destroying me I would be intelligent enough to end that toxic relationship. Although we can't end our relationship with food entirely, we can restructure it's role and the power we give it in our lives. This is my main goal (besides being a world reknowned fashion and beauty icon and a much sought after rendezvous with a Jason Momoa look alike,,, the real one is taken I hear).
I know I need support so I began to think of what my first time at a Carboholics Annonymous meeting might look like. Wanna read about it? Of course you do here we go:
*** A wooden hammer hits the oak podium to call the meeting into order as the first member saunters up to speak. She clears her throat, awkwardly taps on the mic and begins**
"Hi, my name is Jaley and I am a carboholic."
(The reality of that statement sinks in but there is hope still hanging on to every breath she takes).
**Everyone in the room, sitting on tin folding chairs in front of a table laden with bacon, calls out " Hi Jaley" as they await another harrowing tale of dieting hell**
"On July 11th I stopped singing to donuts in parking lots and twirling with baguettes in the bread aisle of my local grocer. They don’t like when you do that for some reason. People have to make everything awkward. But anyway,,, on that day,,, I ripped off that carb band aid whilst screaming "KELLY CLARKSON!" for maximum dramatic effect,,,and have lost 35lbs so far!"
**Thundrous applause fills the room**
"It's something I never thought I could do being that I am 47 going on 60 and was quite acclamated to becoming the crazy cat lady down the street who gifts toilet paper coozies, hands out pennies on Halloween and smells of Bengay and regret,,, but I AM DOING IT!
And even though at times I do miss my perfectly choreographed pirouettes with family sized bags of Cool Ranch Doritos,,, my waltzes with Pork Rinds and mozza blocks are becoming quite famous at Publix. Even my court ordered therapist agrees! So to all the carboholic newbies out there ready to change your life,, I propose a toast."
**The members all hold up styrofoam cups full of bullet proof coffee except Fred,,, he's in the wrong meeting room again,,, he is holding up 90 proof and his own progress. Dammit Fred,,, the bacon is for members only!!**
"To all the carbs I've loved before,,, you are dead to me now,,, capisce???"
**I spit on the ground as another dramatic gesture and also because my gangsta side NEEDS to be acknowledged from time to time**
"DEAD, I SAY!"
** I drag a finger across my throat and aim it at Fred alerting him that he will soon be swimming with the fishies if he crashes our carboholic meeting and scarfs down our bacon again. The members are all moved by my sharing moment and throw shredded gouda at me as I walk back to my chair. The cheese rains down on me like pride confetti for my soul. Some finds it's way into my shirt and nestles in my bra, melting perfectly and offering me a delightful snack for later in the evening. I remember back to the day when rogue M&M's would become "bra hijackers" and paint my cleavage in primary colors in the styling of a Jackson Pollock masterpiece,,, but now,,, cheese is my hijacker of choice. **
