Shall we???
Of course we shall!
"But this is a diet blog??!!" you say incredulously.. Oh contraire Monfraire,,, this is a life diet blog and in my experience men have had a lot to do with dieting in my life.. Sad.. But true..
I am "that " girl,,, "that" girl with the pretty face (Not to kick up credit or anything because I aged like a petulant sloth). But all of my life when I was heavier I always heard:
"If only you were thinner,, you have such a beautiful face!"
I heard these comments from damn near everyone. It begins to define you and gnaw at your inner being in the dark places of your soul where you rock back and forth and eat Spam from a dented can whilst singing "Loser" by Beck. Yeah, THAT place is filled with those comments.
It was always impressed upon me that my weight was an issue even back in the day (around 10 or so) when my parents took a picture of me scarfing down a bag of Lay's potato chips at a lake whilst donning a perfectly 70's tropical bathing suit. Apparently my innocent gluttony was a funny thing to show people and should be saved for posterity, of course..
I still see that child clearly in my mind, crooked bangs and all, oblivious to the gravity that appearance issues would play in her life. She was free for the moment and confident enough to "drink" a the crumbs out of a bag of chips in public. But not for long.
All the way through school I was heavier. I was up and down and in high school and bullied for it. I had a core group of great friends but I was still bullied. In 11th grade I rode a bus to a vocational school for half days. I was the only girl on that bus. Being that I have a pretty screwed up sense of humor, I did make friends with these guys but there was one new kid,, Ronnie,, who stood up at the front of the bus to make it known that my appearance was hideous.
He told 2 jokes about me that changed me. I will spare you the gory details. The boys on the bus and my brother ended up kicking his ass. But it still effected me and I started a weight loss journey. And by weight loss journey I mean purging, starvation and an OCD exercising kick. I rode my exercise bike in my room so much that I still can't feel parts of my rear end!
But it worked. I started rapidly losing and people started to notice. Sadly the bulk of my weight seemed to drop off a few months AFTER I graduated. So I never had the experience of what it felt like to be popular whilst in school. But out of school, at my new weight was an entirely different thing. I felt it, I basked in it and although I never was able to see my self as "thin" the attention I was getting was unbelievable.
I still remember the first time I actually realized I might have a nice shape after the initial loss. I was in a grocery store and I caught a glimpse of my waist in a mirror behind the rows of Merita bread. I stood there looking and analyzing my reflection until my dad smacked me on the back of the head. Guys weren't an issue now. I could play the field with a manufactured confidence. But there was this one thing. I was already in love with someone.
*pow*
I had to deal with that.
My best friend was a diva and drop dead gorgeous. I was always in a transfixed state of jealousy and awe at how she was able to maneuver men in her life. Because of her looks and sparkling personality we had accrued a bevy of nice looking men (I just love me a nice bevy of men don't you?). I was only a spectator in that accrual until after my weight loss journey.
We had a guy in our immediate circle of friends named "Mickey". He was a constant in my social life for 2 years and I was INFATUATED with this punk. He WOULD be mine.
*Stay tuned for Part deux of this post... "The Mickey Saga" next time on:
This FatTASTICAL Life!
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
Monday, September 3, 2018
Carboholics Anonymous Meeting
I am not pushing any specific diet type here just that food is an addiction. We use it for so many things and count on it in ways it is not designed to be. Food is fuel. The occasional "treat" aside, it's main function is to provide us energy. It becomes a friend and a lover. Well maybe not a "lover" per se. But that one time I sculpted a life sized statue of Adam Levine out of Spam (complete with pimento stuffed green olives for nipples) could have thrown it over that edge I suppose *cough*.
**Please enjoy this picture of Jason Momoa hovering angelically over heart shapped bacon:
** You're welcome.**
But in real life if I had a "friend" that was slowly destroying me I would be intelligent enough to end that toxic relationship. Although we can't end our relationship with food entirely, we can restructure it's role and the power we give it in our lives. This is my main goal (besides being a world reknowned fashion and beauty icon and a much sought after rendezvous with a Jason Momoa look alike,,, the real one is taken I hear).
I know I need support so I began to think of what my first time at a Carboholics Annonymous meeting might look like. Wanna read about it? Of course you do here we go:
*** A wooden hammer hits the oak podium to call the meeting into order as the first member saunters up to speak. She clears her throat, awkwardly taps on the mic and begins**
"Hi, my name is Jaley and I am a carboholic."
(The reality of that statement sinks in but there is hope still hanging on to every breath she takes).
**Everyone in the room, sitting on tin folding chairs in front of a table laden with bacon, calls out " Hi Jaley" as they await another harrowing tale of dieting hell**
"On July 11th I stopped singing to donuts in parking lots and twirling with baguettes in the bread aisle of my local grocer. They don’t like when you do that for some reason. People have to make everything awkward. But anyway,,, on that day,,, I ripped off that carb band aid whilst screaming "KELLY CLARKSON!" for maximum dramatic effect,,,and have lost 35lbs so far!"
**Thundrous applause fills the room**
"It's something I never thought I could do being that I am 47 going on 60 and was quite acclamated to becoming the crazy cat lady down the street who gifts toilet paper coozies, hands out pennies on Halloween and smells of Bengay and regret,,, but I AM DOING IT!
And even though at times I do miss my perfectly choreographed pirouettes with family sized bags of Cool Ranch Doritos,,, my waltzes with Pork Rinds and mozza blocks are becoming quite famous at Publix. Even my court ordered therapist agrees! So to all the carboholic newbies out there ready to change your life,, I propose a toast."
**The members all hold up styrofoam cups full of bullet proof coffee except Fred,,, he's in the wrong meeting room again,,, he is holding up 90 proof and his own progress. Dammit Fred,,, the bacon is for members only!!**
"To all the carbs I've loved before,,, you are dead to me now,,, capisce???"
**I spit on the ground as another dramatic gesture and also because my gangsta side NEEDS to be acknowledged from time to time**
"DEAD, I SAY!"
** I drag a finger across my throat and aim it at Fred alerting him that he will soon be swimming with the fishies if he crashes our carboholic meeting and scarfs down our bacon again. The members are all moved by my sharing moment and throw shredded gouda at me as I walk back to my chair. The cheese rains down on me like pride confetti for my soul. Some finds it's way into my shirt and nestles in my bra, melting perfectly and offering me a delightful snack for later in the evening. I remember back to the day when rogue M&M's would become "bra hijackers" and paint my cleavage in primary colors in the styling of a Jackson Pollock masterpiece,,, but now,,, cheese is my hijacker of choice. **
**Please enjoy this picture of Jason Momoa hovering angelically over heart shapped bacon:
** You're welcome.**
But in real life if I had a "friend" that was slowly destroying me I would be intelligent enough to end that toxic relationship. Although we can't end our relationship with food entirely, we can restructure it's role and the power we give it in our lives. This is my main goal (besides being a world reknowned fashion and beauty icon and a much sought after rendezvous with a Jason Momoa look alike,,, the real one is taken I hear).
I know I need support so I began to think of what my first time at a Carboholics Annonymous meeting might look like. Wanna read about it? Of course you do here we go:
*** A wooden hammer hits the oak podium to call the meeting into order as the first member saunters up to speak. She clears her throat, awkwardly taps on the mic and begins**
"Hi, my name is Jaley and I am a carboholic."
(The reality of that statement sinks in but there is hope still hanging on to every breath she takes).
**Everyone in the room, sitting on tin folding chairs in front of a table laden with bacon, calls out " Hi Jaley" as they await another harrowing tale of dieting hell**
"On July 11th I stopped singing to donuts in parking lots and twirling with baguettes in the bread aisle of my local grocer. They don’t like when you do that for some reason. People have to make everything awkward. But anyway,,, on that day,,, I ripped off that carb band aid whilst screaming "KELLY CLARKSON!" for maximum dramatic effect,,,and have lost 35lbs so far!"
**Thundrous applause fills the room**
"It's something I never thought I could do being that I am 47 going on 60 and was quite acclamated to becoming the crazy cat lady down the street who gifts toilet paper coozies, hands out pennies on Halloween and smells of Bengay and regret,,, but I AM DOING IT!
And even though at times I do miss my perfectly choreographed pirouettes with family sized bags of Cool Ranch Doritos,,, my waltzes with Pork Rinds and mozza blocks are becoming quite famous at Publix. Even my court ordered therapist agrees! So to all the carboholic newbies out there ready to change your life,, I propose a toast."
**The members all hold up styrofoam cups full of bullet proof coffee except Fred,,, he's in the wrong meeting room again,,, he is holding up 90 proof and his own progress. Dammit Fred,,, the bacon is for members only!!**
"To all the carbs I've loved before,,, you are dead to me now,,, capisce???"
**I spit on the ground as another dramatic gesture and also because my gangsta side NEEDS to be acknowledged from time to time**
"DEAD, I SAY!"
** I drag a finger across my throat and aim it at Fred alerting him that he will soon be swimming with the fishies if he crashes our carboholic meeting and scarfs down our bacon again. The members are all moved by my sharing moment and throw shredded gouda at me as I walk back to my chair. The cheese rains down on me like pride confetti for my soul. Some finds it's way into my shirt and nestles in my bra, melting perfectly and offering me a delightful snack for later in the evening. I remember back to the day when rogue M&M's would become "bra hijackers" and paint my cleavage in primary colors in the styling of a Jackson Pollock masterpiece,,, but now,,, cheese is my hijacker of choice. **
Saturday, September 1, 2018
*sings* t's a whole new world,,, don’t you dare close your eyes......
Ah yes, Saturday morning,,, the most wonderful morning of the week! The first thing I did today was pee on a flimsy strip of plastic (keto strip) and gauge my test results against a bevy of different colored squares on a bottle. Those squares hold the future of this glorious Saturday morning and my mindset for the day. Patience really isn't my virtue when it comes to dieting matters. When you percieve yourself to be working hard, you want to relish in those lil success dances that come with progress... Annnnnnd que the rogue hot dog cravings...
Burgandy has never been on the top of my favorite color rainbow but lately when I see it on that microscopic square test spot I squeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Just so you know,,, "Squeeeeeeeee" is an actual emotion for me, it ranks second on my meter-o-happiness behind "P-shaou baby,,, P-shau!!").
This morning that square was not full on burgandy but a subset of the color that determined my ketone level was "moderate". Yesterday it judged me as "high" so I wanted a cheese puff but realized this would be counter productive and abstained. Many folks are against urine ketone strips because they can take over your world and are generally not accurate. They're not addictive people,,, I can stop anytime I want to,, I'm fine, the reading doesn’t control me *twitches*. But the scale is another beast. It DOES have a power.
I currently possess a 1950's style analog scale that mocks me every time I walk by it. Each morning I put myself through a rigorous weighing routine that confirms my insanity.
First I surgically split the "0" just to be sure that a sliver of an ounce does not sneak in to my total thus brutally hijacking my final weigh in figure. Then I have to brace myself and hold on to the counter to assure that I am stepping on the platform as gently as possible as to not disturb the scale's Chakra. Next, once both feet are resting on the scale, I can assess my new total. But this isn't the FINAL total of course. I am forced to do the scale shimmy shift dance before accepting the total because if accepted prematurely it would certainly be an erroneous and egregious event against all of humanity. I have to repeat all of the above steps 5 times making a bathroom stop between each attempt to make sure that drop of urine in my bladder is not plotting against me to sabotage my happines.
I may have to quit my job to be able to undertake this endeavor on a daily basis.
With that being said, I am aware of my issues and the need for or a digital scale. I have been a little more obsessed this week because of an incident on August 22nd 2018 at 4:42! More on that later...... Scandalous!
The reality is that daily monitoring in this manner is unhealthy. It is counter productive to living the fatTASTICAL life I promised myself. This dieting journey will be a winding road that I need to traverse with care. We need not be the weight/ketone level police and ticket ourselves with stress everyday like that. I am hoping this "self intervention" will work and I will be able to stretch out the monitoring to a weekly event. *rocks back and forth*
Burgandy has never been on the top of my favorite color rainbow but lately when I see it on that microscopic square test spot I squeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Just so you know,,, "Squeeeeeeeee" is an actual emotion for me, it ranks second on my meter-o-happiness behind "P-shaou baby,,, P-shau!!").
This morning that square was not full on burgandy but a subset of the color that determined my ketone level was "moderate". Yesterday it judged me as "high" so I wanted a cheese puff but realized this would be counter productive and abstained. Many folks are against urine ketone strips because they can take over your world and are generally not accurate. They're not addictive people,,, I can stop anytime I want to,, I'm fine, the reading doesn’t control me *twitches*. But the scale is another beast. It DOES have a power.
I currently possess a 1950's style analog scale that mocks me every time I walk by it. Each morning I put myself through a rigorous weighing routine that confirms my insanity.
First I surgically split the "0" just to be sure that a sliver of an ounce does not sneak in to my total thus brutally hijacking my final weigh in figure. Then I have to brace myself and hold on to the counter to assure that I am stepping on the platform as gently as possible as to not disturb the scale's Chakra. Next, once both feet are resting on the scale, I can assess my new total. But this isn't the FINAL total of course. I am forced to do the scale shimmy shift dance before accepting the total because if accepted prematurely it would certainly be an erroneous and egregious event against all of humanity. I have to repeat all of the above steps 5 times making a bathroom stop between each attempt to make sure that drop of urine in my bladder is not plotting against me to sabotage my happines.
I may have to quit my job to be able to undertake this endeavor on a daily basis.
With that being said, I am aware of my issues and the need for or a digital scale. I have been a little more obsessed this week because of an incident on August 22nd 2018 at 4:42! More on that later...... Scandalous!
The reality is that daily monitoring in this manner is unhealthy. It is counter productive to living the fatTASTICAL life I promised myself. This dieting journey will be a winding road that I need to traverse with care. We need not be the weight/ketone level police and ticket ourselves with stress everyday like that. I am hoping this "self intervention" will work and I will be able to stretch out the monitoring to a weekly event. *rocks back and forth*
Friday, August 31, 2018
What does it all mean?
I decided that being accountable is what I needed. So I vowed to start blogging about my weight. But it was a very long time ago when I came up with this blog concept. Revisiting now I feel a little bitter in thinking that had I REALLY done it then, this post would have a completely different message. I even had my first intoductory post written before I schluffed off to eat a Ho-Ho and drink some crumbs from a chip bag after having scarfed down all of the "adult" chips.
You wanna read it? Of course you do,,, here we go:
A long, long time ago, in a far away land, a quirky girl went into a store. She busily scoured the shelves to find "her" edition of the idealistic "Once upon a time" storybook. Sadly however, they were completely sold out. Instead, they offered her the rain check that she has held in her wallet ever since. Decades passed before she realized that the big eyed, small footed princesses had it ALL wrong anyway! Life isn't about ONE moment or ONE story it is a thousand wisps of time intricately pieced together like a wondrous mosaic. Each tiny burst of energy and experience make us the people we are. Once she TRULY understood this she could finally rip up that rain check to a fairy tale and start to make the best of her every day reality. It was then, twirling in the confetti of "conventional" happiness a new fantastical chapter began. And it would never be scr
Fast forward quite a few years after the hair bands are silenced, neon lycra is shunned and her questionable vodka driven decisions are distant memories,,, we find our shimmering demigoddess divorced with 3 kids and a penchant for junk food and in the middle of a life altering epiphany:
Lately, she wasn't feeling so "fantastical"!! This saddened her greatly.
Let's stop the BS... Geeze,,, get to the point blogging lady!
As you probably figured out, I am the quirky girl/self proclaimed demigoddess that has lost her whimsy and longs to capture it once again. I need to admit that I am not as wondrous as I aspire to be and do something about it. Health and depression has caused the weight gain that is dragging my life down. Only I can start and stay on the journey of weight loss, self acceptance and the changes that will facilitate a happily ever after within my heart. But until I lose the weight I will put my arms up in the air and celebrate each fatTASTICAL day on this roller coaster ride called dieting.
******
So, yeah, pretty stupid post but it gets the point across. I have been bigger all of my life and fought it every step of the way. But the older I have become the harder it got and when I became very ill in 2009, I couldn't seem to get control of it. The darkness of financial strain, being sick with no other income in the house, losing everything with 3 small kids to care for and no family took me out of the game completely. I resigned to never traveling, never finding love, never being caught in a photo and never having sex again.. Oh, I went there. Yes I did (gasp).
In the middle of July I started the keto life. Oh it's a wonderful life in the land of cheese, meat and sucking Redi-whip from a can in the shadows. I had dabbled with this way of eating a decade before and had found success.
Keto is a "yes or no" diet for me. I either can has it or I can't. I definitely CAN'T has my stress reducing Ho-Hos anymore! But my tiny brain likes the concept of yes or no food choices. I have lost 35lbs since starting and already Tyra Banks and the Wilhelmina modeling scouts are stalking ya girl! I have a long journey ahead which I will tackle with stupid humor, copious amounts of Spam, green olives and meat induced honesty. So come hang with me if you choose. You can laugh AT me or WITH me as long as you are laughing, I will smile too.
You wanna read it? Of course you do,,, here we go:
A long, long time ago, in a far away land, a quirky girl went into a store. She busily scoured the shelves to find "her" edition of the idealistic "Once upon a time" storybook. Sadly however, they were completely sold out. Instead, they offered her the rain check that she has held in her wallet ever since. Decades passed before she realized that the big eyed, small footed princesses had it ALL wrong anyway! Life isn't about ONE moment or ONE story it is a thousand wisps of time intricately pieced together like a wondrous mosaic. Each tiny burst of energy and experience make us the people we are. Once she TRULY understood this she could finally rip up that rain check to a fairy tale and start to make the best of her every day reality. It was then, twirling in the confetti of "conventional" happiness a new fantastical chapter began. And it would never be scr
Fast forward quite a few years after the hair bands are silenced, neon lycra is shunned and her questionable vodka driven decisions are distant memories,,, we find our shimmering demigoddess divorced with 3 kids and a penchant for junk food and in the middle of a life altering epiphany:
Lately, she wasn't feeling so "fantastical"!! This saddened her greatly.
Let's stop the BS... Geeze,,, get to the point blogging lady!
As you probably figured out, I am the quirky girl/self proclaimed demigoddess that has lost her whimsy and longs to capture it once again. I need to admit that I am not as wondrous as I aspire to be and do something about it. Health and depression has caused the weight gain that is dragging my life down. Only I can start and stay on the journey of weight loss, self acceptance and the changes that will facilitate a happily ever after within my heart. But until I lose the weight I will put my arms up in the air and celebrate each fatTASTICAL day on this roller coaster ride called dieting.
******
So, yeah, pretty stupid post but it gets the point across. I have been bigger all of my life and fought it every step of the way. But the older I have become the harder it got and when I became very ill in 2009, I couldn't seem to get control of it. The darkness of financial strain, being sick with no other income in the house, losing everything with 3 small kids to care for and no family took me out of the game completely. I resigned to never traveling, never finding love, never being caught in a photo and never having sex again.. Oh, I went there. Yes I did (gasp).
In the middle of July I started the keto life. Oh it's a wonderful life in the land of cheese, meat and sucking Redi-whip from a can in the shadows. I had dabbled with this way of eating a decade before and had found success.
Keto is a "yes or no" diet for me. I either can has it or I can't. I definitely CAN'T has my stress reducing Ho-Hos anymore! But my tiny brain likes the concept of yes or no food choices. I have lost 35lbs since starting and already Tyra Banks and the Wilhelmina modeling scouts are stalking ya girl! I have a long journey ahead which I will tackle with stupid humor, copious amounts of Spam, green olives and meat induced honesty. So come hang with me if you choose. You can laugh AT me or WITH me as long as you are laughing, I will smile too.
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